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Wish I said it.

You caught me looking at you

In the way you know exactly

What I’m thinking

You asked

I can’t say it yet

But it’s the tingles I get

In my heart

And the joy.

You make me happy

And fulfilled

You think your anxiety

Is an obstacle

But I love all the parts

And anything is possible.

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Undeserving

The way I feel

Undeserving

Of your kindness

The way my

Heart feels

During every day

But your laugh

When you

Call me at night

It’s your eyes

When we’re

Together, side by side

It’s the way we

Fit together

Just right

I wish that you

Were mine

But I can be

Patient since

I’ve waited this long

I want you

Like I’ve never

Wanted anything

I hope that we

Can be

A pair

I won’t forget

How I feel

When you hold me

And touch my hair

I could let us

Fade away

And if that is

What you want

Then that’s okay

But why would I

Lose someone

Who is so

Perfect

Someone who

Makes my

Heart

Remember how

To beat

I just want

You,

Someone who

Is so perfect

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Sync

I’ve been unsure for years,

Never saw a light appear,

The dark was my trouble

The positives have doubled,

Those eyes

Those lips

Those brows

That kiss

I felt it right away

All I want is for you to stay

Your mind

Your hair

Your smile

That stare

I want it all forever to stay

This perfect and happy,

For us it may,

I felt it immediately

Like the universe was yelling,

All I can think of is how you’re telling

Me that I’m cute

And that I matter

And you’re being patient

And kind

And making my heartbeats scatter

You’ve become my light,

I think you might be it

The one for me

One day we will turn

Into one

Eventually

I hope that then

You can see

This poem I wrote

In the bath afloat

After the first time you left

I couldn’t help but think

That you and I are completely

In sync

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Donuts

I’m not whole anymore

I’m not in a hole anymore

The blackness has receded

But my effort is depleted

What is this gray

Like that of a dreary day

My words are heavy

and you just won’t let me

Stand up off the floor

I want nothing more

If I could say the perfect thing

without tears that sting

I’d say it all

To keep from the fall

And it’s hard to recover

From all these blunders.

My heart expands like a balloon

and then POP it’s gone too soon.

Will this cycle settle

or am I stuck with this boiling kettle.

Because I’m not whole anymore

but they grayness keeps me on the floor.

 

 

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Gardenia

You are as sensitive as a venus fly trap

You are as delicate as a gardenia

You close and discolor

At the slightest touch or bother

Silence consumes the laughter

The laughter never really seems to matter

When will I do anything right

When will we have a normal night

I can’t say anything

I can’t do anything

I can’t be anything

I can’t feel anything

I can understand your side

Yet you throw mine to the tide

My feelings grow like a vine

Then the night comes just in time

Feelings of horror

Feelings of guilt

I will continue to hide under this quilt

Because apologizing doesn’t do right

and this is now my normal night.

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All Posts, poetry

hey dad

dear dad:

 

i used to sit in my room crying.

i couldn’t breathe.

by that i mean, the promises of my future were lying.

i mean, i just couldn’t breathe.

i sucked at explaining myself but

i expected you to know everything

just like you always say you do.

but i was suffocating.

i was accepting of the end.

i needed you to be my friend.

 

you have always been my everything,

the rock i always needed,

you have provided,

you have cared,

you have protected,

you have filled roles you never thought would need to be filled.

 

so, as i was suffocating, i thought to myself:

i could lose this fight

but

for you,

i will not lose this fight.

 

the years went by and i could just barely breathe.

but i could breathe.

there were many times i wanted to close the gap

yet you remained my reason i would not.

 

the air got thinner, though.

like, the top of mount everest thin.

the mountain is sure getting harder to climb.

good thing you are with me.

 

but then,

when,

i needed you to be my friend,

i felt like we were reaching the end,

you criticized the way i climbed the mountain,

the way my hair was blowing in the wind,

the way i tied my boots,

the way i was breathing so extremely hard,

because the air was thin,

like mount everest thin,

and

i was suffocating,

like… “i’m about to be a body left on mount everest” suffocating.

 

so, this time,

instead of you being the reason i kept going,

you turned into the reason i hoped i tripped and fell off the mountain.

because climbing that fucking mountain is hard enough.

and i needed you to encourage me.

so i didn’t suffocate.

but i’m about to fucking suffocate.

and you’re focused on my shoes

my climb,

my breathing,

and even my hair.

 

and even though we’re both climbing this mountain,

and even though i’m still suffocating,

i just wanted you to know,

you used to be the reason i wouldn’t but now you’re the reason i would.

 

the suffocation won’t calm

my lungs are like a bomb

i’ve always waited for the timer

except now, you will be the only climber.

enjoy the view without me

because, “to be or not to be” is the only question i am able to see.

 

in conclusion,

this is how you went from being the reason i would not

to being

the reason of that suffocating thought.

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